Will the jury please leave?

I have an internal jury evaluating every action I take, every word I say, every choice I make. And it's tiring. The jury has been busy lately as I don't seem to be capable of living up to my own vision of what my life is supposed to be now. I know, I know, every statement that has "supposed to be" in it can't be right, but I just can't seem to escape it. Most of the time I can live my life without the jury hindering my actions but lately I just don't seem able to do it. The jury is stopping me and making me second guess and reconsider everything I do. 

With the jury's voice so strong right now I feel my world of friends and families opinions so much more. I can talk through stated opinions, the words that people say, I can talk through them but when nothing is spoken, silence means something to me. Silence means disapproval. Silence means you don't really give a shit. Silence means judgement. Most people are silent now, many are not and you know who you are. But most are silent. They watch our journey, my daily struggle from afar and don't speak or take action or even given an encouraging word. It's like - figure it out kid, I don't really care or I do care but you made the wrong choice and this is the consequence. Or it means your life is really irrelevant to me and I'm quiet because obviously you can't focus on my life right now and I frankly don't care about your life. But I guess those people were never here in the first place.

My biggest thing has been the disappearing act. Again, many people have not disappeared. They are helping me figure out how to still have friendships while being a mom. They are still there, listening and responding. Others have taken the - let them come to me approach and all must be good if I don't hear from them. Or the - things will be the same and we just have to wait for them to figure it out for our friendship to go back to the way it was. I'm a high maintenance person when it comes to friendship. I won't lie about that. Friends know that and either accept it or don't. It's rather simple really. I require hands on maintenance. You go away. You disappear - then I'm thinking you don't want my friendship anymore and I'm unimportant and flawed. I call it my abandonment issues. You make it to the inner circle, congratulations, here is the manual to keep you here. I've never hid my baggage, it's attached. Choose to deal with it or not. If you do, then welcome to the circle. If you don't, welcome to the outer circle, warning I might disappear for awhile because I'm incapable of putting on the facade right now. I say all of this because I feel that some people in the circle have chosen to step back out of the circle. The jury has ruled it judgement and a reflection of how flawed I really am. Case closed. 

Frankly it pisses me off that I think this way, that my brain works this way, that I can't seem to figure it out after it happening so many times. But this time its different. I can't be self-indulgent and wallow in my sorrow of the jury's finding. I can't logically argue through the jury's decision until I come out the other side with logic winning out and my self-esteem still intact. I have been trying for the last few weeks to work through it but the jury is strong on this one and while the weeks go by with the silence of some of the world, the jury is being enforced. 

God I debated about writing about this but I chose to set up this blog publicly and I don't want to back down now. It's kinda too late - yes, jury I know I can shut it down whenever I want but this is the best way that I process. I write. It's always been that way. Why should I change now? It's funny in that I've been reading a lot of blogs and some people do ultimately decide to shut it down after spending years writing. I can respect that, each makes their own decision. But part of me wonders if they start censoring themselves. They start to think of the audience and what the audience wants to hear and what they want the audience to think of them. They start worrying about being judged. Why is it that our world doesn't want to hear it? They don't want to hear about the crazy, screwed up thoughts that are in most of our heads. We want to tuck it away and deny that it doesn't exist. Why is that? Isn't it better to just say it? Just say what you have to say, say what you feel and just be honest. So I may not always write lightness and sweetness but I'll try to be honest. Really though, did anyone ever think I would? I'm too self-indulgent for that.