Welcome back

So last night Jason said to me that he could tell that the depression has kicked in. The reason - I wasn't blogging. Indeed I wasn't. Then I remembered my nifty check list of depression symptom and took a quick survey... 

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood - oh yeah, every day except when Pandu and I are playing. Otherwise I'm in a world of emptyness.


• Loss of interest or pleasure in your usual activities, including sex - check. poor Facebook and my blog and my cameras, they have been so neglected lately.


• Restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying - let's see, twice this week I took a chunk out of Jason's neck because guess what - he woke me up in the morning when it was time to wake up. Crying, oh yeah. 


• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism - pessimism is my middle name and although I'm typically a half-empty girl I'm not a half-empty, never going to be full, what the hell is the point of anything in this f***ed up world. Then I feel guilty and horrible that I'm having this happen to me now and I'm missing these weeks with Pandu and it's hindering me and my ability to attach to him further (although I do love this little boy. he is a ray of sunshine.) 


• Sleeping too much or too little, early morning awakening - can't manage to go to sleep before midnight when I'm waking up at 6am. That is when Jason reminds me. Then once I'm asleep I want to stay asleep.


• Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain - my ode to chip and dip is legendary. so not eating much different but definitely want to eat crap.


• Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down" - energy = zip. fatigue is constant. slowed down - I think a turtle could beat me in a race at this point.


• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts - thankfully no. had these a long, long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. but now. no. 


• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions - hmmm, does panic attacks in the grocery store count? Remembering, hmmm? I don't remember. 


• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain - My PCOS has been having it's way with me this week. A headache at least 2-3 times as well. 

So after looking at this and confirming everything that I knew already. It's official, I'm back on Zo-loft. The sucky part is that I can't go see our therapist right now because of money. She and I have been fighting off the drugs for a bit because the talk helps but I can't manage right now and had to make the best decision. 

I know it will take several weeks before it kicks in and adjusts all of my hormone levels again. Why is it that depression is genetic? Why did that happen? And then bigger question - why did I have to get it? repeatedly. I mean really. It's like a derailed train. But I knew this was going to happen. Jason knew this was going to happen. Our social worker knew this was going to happen. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So right now I'm trying desperately to get through this and get back on the track. 

I don't want to fill everyone else's day with the horrible and black thoughts that fill my head. I don't want anyone to think less of me. I don't want any more rejection. I don't want anyone to think I'm not all together and perfect. That there might be something wrong with me. Man is that the most illogical statement in the entire world! 

I really want to trust in God. How do people do that? How do they give it up to Him? Trust Him. It's like God wants me to be depressed. He made me flawed and I know that's not true. But how can I trust it will be ok? I'm amazed at people who shine with God's grace. They don't seem to forget. They don't seem to ever struggle with their faith or with the path that God has put them on. Why can't I be like that? And why is that I always think that no one, not a solitary sole has every felt what I'm feeling? 

 God, I miss my uncle Jr. He would take me in and care for me. Not ask me but tell me that I was going places with him. That I would do this and that. And it was only when I needed it. The last serious bout of depression he helped me through and now - he is gone. My mom and aunt try their best as well. Yesterday they took me to Km-art and the gas station. They took care of Pandu for a bit but then he ultimately wants me and my attention, which is the best. Jr. is with me but I really, really miss him. I miss his patience and ability to care for me. I know he is with me but I just wish I could fill him more, kinda like I wish I could feel God more now. I shouldn't doubt. Have faith. Patience. Breath. Stillness. This too shall pass. The sun will rise. The Earth will continue to spin.

In other news, Pandu likes the Broadway tunes and Hank Williams type of country. He was singing "New York. New York" this morning which we heard Liza Min-elli sing yesterday. Talk about a funny, funny boy.