Perhaps

Ready to step into a whole new story.

Tonight on the Biggest Loser Julian said this to one of the contestants and it hit home for me. Change requires commitment and commitment has always been my issue. Do I want a new story? Yes. Desperately. I am tired and wore out from repeating the same story after all these years. Over and over again. I have had enough. I'm at the end of my rope and frankly my hands are bloody from holding on.

I see no light at the end of the tunnel, unless it's that giant train that is approaching. I see no silver lining in the gray clouds. And I see no rainbows forming from all this rain. No I just see the same page I've seen for as long as I can remember.

Courage and commitment. I lack both. Courage to make changes. Courage to be a new person to dream that maybe there is another story that I can create. I don't believe in myself at all.

Then the contestant said, it's hard to count on yourself when you've never done it before. No such truer words have ever been spoken. One could argue that I count on myself every day. But I don't. I let the world happen to me and then get pissed that the story is the same. I expose myself, this morsel of innocence with a tinge of evil, and wonder why I get crushed all the time. I think it comes back to expecting everyone to take care of me. Which makes no sense on any planet that I've ever lived on because I should be taking care of myself by now. But no, not me. I float around, thinking someone will take the reigns.

So I ask myself. Do I have the courage and strength to make a new story? My answer has to be no. No I don't. Then my response is .... where do I find some? Is Dorothy going to come down the yellow brick road and take me to see the wizard? I think not.

I'm pathetic.