Cloudy with a chance of neurosis

Five days is a long time to not say anything. I don't have an explanation of why. Avoidance is the most likely reason. Uninspired is another. Well, uninspired is never the right word. Give me a blank page and I will give you plenty of words. Perhaps they will make sense and take me further down the road. More likely it is a rambling exploration of neurotic tendencies.

[caption id="attachment_693" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. "][/caption]

At lunch today after church one of my friends was not his normal self. This guy is great, full of life, always with a quick joke and a story to tell. His is one of those stories that I wish the world could hear. But today he was off. Tilted. The facade dropped multiple times and I wonder what I can do. Not much.

I have another friend whose partner suddenly decided that they were done with the marriage and left. They were together for 10 years and married perhaps 9 months. I can't fathom the reasons why this could happen without explanation. But all I can think of is the facade traps us.

I don't know how often I have been criticized either behind my back or full on in my face about not having a facade. I laugh at them .... well, after I cry about it in the privacy of the bathroom. ... if only they knew that not having a facade is a facade. Does that make any sense? And I did warn you, there was a chance of neurosis in this post.

That lack of knowledge is what has thrown some people for a loop lately. I've been more me and less the facade. Some people are shaking their heads wondering where the hell this person came from. Where as others are laughing their asses off that I get flack about it at all because I was always like this with them. All I know is it's exhausting and I look forward to the time ahead where the facade will be almost non-existent.

[caption id="attachment_694" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The appearance of people is not always reality. "][/caption]

A semi-stranger said to me the other day that I complain too much where as my husband has more of this world-view, full of introspection. I just wanted to tell the person to fuck off you don't know me.  But then I've heard this before. I complain. I worry. I am a "half empty" person. He is not. God bless him but he is not me. And yes, it seems like I constantly kvetch about something but maybe it's because I need to get this shit out of my brain before I explode.

A few days later I proceeded to basically verbally vomit over a friend once they asked a simple - "how are you?" I trust this person so they get unfiltered me pretty much all the time. But then I feel bad. I shouldn't just unload all my thoughts with those I trust because I've been having conversation after conversation with the same question and unable to tell THOSE people what I really think.

So in response to THOSE people asking me "how are you? ...... the singing blue birds crap on my head while pumping Public Enemy through their boom boxes and that raccoon on my walk through the neighborhood told me to fuck off. Welcome to my world view. Word.

So ... comments? anyone? ... hello? is this mike on?