unsent letter.

This is an exercise. A much needed exercise. i will never send this letter. i will never speak this words. but i have to get it off my chest.

------------------

DM & YT -
Fuck you. Fuck you for taking what was to be a good living situation and making it horrible. Fuck you for assuming that I was above being friendly to. Fuck you for thinking I'm nothing but a user. Fuck you for being immature and narcissistic assholes.

And I tried. I tried hard to let you become friends with me. But for whatever reason I was not welcomed from the get-go. I never understood why. All I did was move into a house 1100 miles away from home. All I did was bring a child with me. Yet I was the easy victim to blame for ruining the serenity of the house. But the thing is you both already ruined it.

Close to 50 both of you and still every night you want to drink 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka. then smoke a pack of cigarettes and a couple of joints. yet I'm the user. I'm the one who needs to be talked down to like a child. I'm the one who is pushed out and deemed unworthy to be part of the cool kids.

The cool kids never liked me. Whatever. But this is different. I'm just like you. Actually no I'm not just like you. I have a child that I have to be stable for. And as much as my world is falling apart with money worries and the strong desire to shrink responsibility I don't have a choice.

You both think I'm the narcissus. That it's all about me. But it's not about me. I'm the smallest person in my world. Many people come before me. The most significant of which is my son. The big choices I've made in the last few months have been for his benefit. It would be so much easier to have been homeless.

But you never bothered to try to even see that. you just took your anger and your confusion and your feels of being discarded and you put it all on me. even standing in the same room i couldn't have a conversation with either of you.

it's been a nightmare and i've survived the nightmare as i survive most things. the funny thing is that you both think your life is bigger and more important than mine. i try to remember that someone's life is always better than mine and someone's is always worse. with you two, my life is bigger. i'm 10 years younger than you yet i've made more emotional strides and changes than you probably understand. jesus you think i'm a loser. then even better you think you know God better than I do.

It makes me laugh. Thinking about how "christian" you both claim to be yet every day your life is full of selfishness and judgment. isn't that the antithesis of christianity? the spiritual guidance is a joke because where did you feel closer to God? while you drunk, high, or full of nicotine. how did you express it? through marginalizing me and lecturing me on how to raise my child, how to cook, how to clean, how to worship God, how to process politics, how to feed my son certain foods to "cure" him. and the list goes on and on and on.

and i let you. i guess that's my part in this play. i actually listened to your words of "advice" because you never know where the answer will come. i kept thinking you would listen back. but you didn't. i played this melodrama of my childhood, of my marriage, of my social rejections. deep personal significant shit and i reacted the same way.

in the end it's all been done. we will all leave this place. this "transition" home. another set of people that i shared my life with for awhile who i will never see or talk to again. another set of people who used their misinterpreted judgment of me against me. another set of people who think it's "all about me."

you selfish arrogant bastards.

--------------
i go back to the place of blame. in the end it's a good thing. all of this has brought my unhealed wounds from childhood events back to the surface. that's good because now i can learn a new technique to deal with them and not the "pretend it's all ok" way.

i wonder what will happen when my life is about living and not about healing picked scabs?

A job!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I got the job!!!!!

wait. so then that means that i can do communications (newsletters, flyers, brochures, web site) for a non-profit? you mean the universe listened again? ....wait. wait. wait. am I an idiot for not holding out for a corporate gig?

..... no i'm not idiot. this is the path. follow. submit. go in peace. know that you are doing what you really enjoy - communicating, messaging, marketing - about something you really believe in - god.

now in the morning talk to your employer. let them know you need to go part-time because you've been given an opportunity to work part-time at a non-profit.

stop fighting. because i'm fighting myself.

you can't work a 60 hour job right now without causing major damage to pandu. he needs you to be with him the majority of the time. not a stranger but his mama.

with two part-time jobs you will have some breathing room and be forced to live the simple life that you always wanted. i have given you what you wanted. now accept and stop fighting. submit and breathe.

Being happy

i feel like i want to be a failure. i don't know how to handle generosity. i don't know how to handle someone caring about me. i don't know how to handle someone being worried about me. i don't know how to be grateful and humble. but i do know how to bitch. i do know how to be disliked and sometimes even hated. and i do know how to be greedy and ungrateful.

i'm pissed off because the universe is being kind to me. how fucked up is that? seriously. how fucked up is that?

i found a food bank that gives away organic and fresh foods. the church i've gone to 3 times has given me $50, a gift certificate for $100, and now some stranger is going to make us dinner. last month when i began with very little and behind on all my bills i managed to be given enough to make it through the month and to start this month not being behind. i am cared about and desired by someone who i have pushed away at every opportunity yet he remains, seeing the beauty of me that others have found so despicable.

and i'm pissed off about it. what's wrong with me?

i have an abundance of food now with some creativity i should be good. i go to allrecipes and type in ingredients and i'm overwhelmed. i can't make a decision. i don't know what to do with it. there is money in my bank account to pay my bills. i'm afraid to. so i just make sure i don't leave the house so i don't do anything stupid. i have bought 3 Christmas presents and spent $6.

I am so overwhelmingly blessed. and all i hear myself saying is .... i don't deserve this. i am not worth this. i am not special. i am not any different than anyone else. what catastrophe is waiting for me the minute i start accepting the gifts that god has granted me?

how do you learn to start being happy when you have spent so many years being unhappy?

how do i convince myself that i am worth this?

how do i teach myself to be gracious in my humility? to accept the gifts, generosity and love being given to me yet remain humble and awed by it without criticizing it happening.

so often i see humility coupled with demoralization. i demoralize myself to keep myself humble. so then i feel like i'm spitting in the face of the universe it's gifts to me. then i think maybe i do deserve this. maybe i do deserve the gifts that are given to me.

and if i do deserve it then why does it hurt so much to accept it? why do i struggle to accept the joy of it?

i don't know the answer. i can't put a bow on this one or put it in the box that i do everything else in my life to cope with it. i am fighting myself internally because i'm starting to think that i am happy. i'm scared to be happy. and in being scared all i'm doing is rejecting god, rejecting love, rejecting blessing, rejecting joy. what sane person does that?

where is the answer to this? because i am tired of fighting myself. I just want to give up and be happy. and why do i feel like there is something wrong with that?

give up

i just feel like giving up. i sit and have an overwhelming sense of doom. there is such a sense of futility in doing pretty much anything. at least it feels like it right now. i can't find another job to save my life it seems. i have a job that pays me just enough to not qualify for any services but to little to live in a nice neighborhood.

i wrote something the other day about the overwhelming sense of failure that not having money in the bank does to me. i feel irrelevant, insignificant, invisible. i try so desperately to hold on to optimism but it seems like this uphill battle that is never going to be over.

it is so bad i no longer have any aspirations. the dreams i had seem so foolish when i can't afford my rent. they seem like suicide when i can't even get a job that pays more than $14/hour when i have experience and a degree.

i guess the option is to move to a cheaper neighborhood. settle for a lesser school. have less personal safety. have less natural beauty. more polluted spaces. move my son into a lesser school district. do i give up on him too? i'm in one of the richest school districts they have the resources to try to teach him. it's starting to show. but how do i keep him here.

i can't go home for thanksgiving. the only reason i can consider going home for christmas is because 2 weeks of a baby sitter is impossible to pay for and when I say impossible I mean impossible. it's not like i just won't go out to eat so much it's more like i'm already overdrawn from paying my rent am i going to pull money out of a monkey's ass to pay for anything else or what?

oh god the judgement i hear. how did this happen? what the hell do you think you are doing then? why did you move? well you kind of made your bed now lay in it? maybe you should have done x, y or z? maybe you are just a failure and you should have just stayed with your life exactly the way it was.

god please let me torture myself just a little bit more. let me feel even more like shit then i already feel. that's helpful. truly helpful.

it's what i deserve. all of this. i deserve all of this. i should not have my son because my marriage was falling apart. i should not have moved because i am alone. i should not have a better job because i'm too old to be in advertising. i should really just accept that i will have a pathetic life in the ghetto.

i don't see any other option right now. i don't. what? i'm going to go to grad school. oh yes i can go to a for-profit, let's give everyone a degree grad school. sure thing. that's helpful. i can't go to real school with an admissions process that isn't built on money. i don't have the recommendation letters. i don't have the money to take the GRE. i don't have the drive to change the world because why should i? if i can't change and influence myself how in the world will i possible change and influence anyone else?

i'm resigned to my fate. the fight against myself is over. i am what i am. a mediocre person with nothing special about them. with no real talents. everything i've written in the last 6 months has been crap and i'm embarrassed to have ever called myself a writer. it's just a delusion.

the bitterness is inevitable at this point. it has won because i give up.

6 weeks

It's been a long time. It's not avoidance it just more adjustment and struggle. Sick to my stomach with how much is on my plate right now and how I can't afford anything. I will not be able to pay my rent. I couldn't the moment I got paid because of overdraft fees. Finally Paul caught up with me for robbing him to pay Peter. I don't know what to do.

My family is extended themselves as far as they can to help me. Child support does not kick back in until December. Even then it's not that much. The job prospects are pretty much dead. I am grateful for the job I do have but I can't make it. I don't know what to do. I make too much for public assistance. There is nothing I can do. Just keep the faith so to speak.

I look at my house now at things I can sell. Even my son's turtle potty is for sale on Craig's List. $10 here. $2 there. It can all add up to $700 right? I have nothing of monetary value now. My car which I've had for 7 months is now 2 months behind in car payments. My computer I use for work. My TV is broken. What else is there?

My diamond ring. My wedding ring. I could probably sell it for $700 or so. Then I could pay rent. How sad that something that held so much promise can be reduced to nothing but a rent payment? I wonder what happened to the wedding ring I gave my ex. It was sterling silver and had braille on it - my love.

The whole thing doesn't  make me sad in missing our relationship. It makes me sad in that I failed. The wedding ring is the last reminder of what was once. I miss my friend in many ways. I don't miss my lover, my husband, my partner. But my friend. yeah.

I'm horrible with casual friends. It's hard to get inside my brain to the point that I truly and completely trust you. Then when someone does it's like why do they ever have to leave? or I'm just marking time and waiting. A rare person can handle that pressure. So I don't even try any more. I'm not turning into the cynic but sad resignation is settling in my bones.

Perhaps

You know the metaphysical/spiritual side of life is interesting. The logic kills it most of the time. I've been on a journey for awhile now. more than a year from point A to point B. I remember doing a stupid Facebook tarot card thing and it was amazingly accurate. My life was in turmoil - change was coming. action needed to be taken. I wrote about it here.

Tonight I rediscovered Facebook. I've been on but I haven't played games, my farm was dead, the tarot was ignored. basically just an update and a reading. it has been a lifeline as I've struggled to adjust. I don't have close friends that are near me. So the cyber world is where my friends and I stay in touch. And they are people I know in real life. lol

Anyhow, I did a tarot reading. I expected some more crap as usual. But again it was surprisingly accurate and indicative of the place I am right now.

Recent Past - Judgement
Incredible pressure to tell truth lest you be judged. A court case or other legal proceeding in which an outcome is assigned. Have you done anything for which your judgment or actions would be called into account? Time to examine life, friends, family, career and relationships with a discerning eye. Time to deal with something major in your life. Transformative energies are surrounding you now. A choice is at the ready and must be made now

I have been examining what I did wrong, what I will do different, and dealing with the truth for the first time in awhile. Divorce is full of judgment and ultimately transformation. Not just of going from being married to not being married but changing the way you view relationships, your dreams, what you thought your future was going to be, all of it. Indeed it has been time to deal with it and deal with it I have.

Current Situation - Temperance
Calm and balance. Need to have patience for events surrounding you as they play out. Moderation. Accommodation. Reflection on your life. Maturity. Draw emotions in and stop overreacting to outside forces. Contemplation and reflection on events, relationships and work. Be the calming force in chaos. Possible to overcome addiction to substance, people or relationships. Obsession passing. Order being restored. Bring calm to mind and behavior patterns. A time of peace is beginning. Let it wash over you.

In the last few weeks I am coming closer to a sense of peace. The obsession of what my life is going to be and what I did wrong is passing. It's moving into a different place. A place of acceptance in many ways. My behavior and pattern has stabilized. I'm settled here now. My roommate situation aside, the pattern is set. Just tonight I thought to myself that I feel peaceful. Tonight we did nothing. Nothing. I had no cliff to talk myself down from. No traumatized child to console. No roommate drama. I've had to calm in the chaos. I haven't had any choice and with that calm is coming the peace. God I need a time of peace.

Future Influences - Four of Swords
A time of repose and solitude. Get away from everything and take a vacation for your mind and spirit. Your body is exhausted as you have been trying to do too much. Time to stop and think about where you are headed in life. A time of stability. Relaxation. Your body needs to heal before you continue. Listen to what you inner voice is telling you.

Now that peace is coming I feel the exhaustion. I went to bed at 10pm last night. I never do that, I haven't done that since I don't even remember. Oh maybe a day here and there but there have been many many tortured sleepless nights. But to feel that peace and need to think about what is the next step. And heal. I need to continue to heal. And listen. The quiet path of the drummer is there. As it always has been and now I need to quiet again, pull into my strength, recover myself more and follow. submit.

the contrast between a year ago and now. seeing the writing on the wall and not wanting to face. the universe calling to me to change. the movement and painful action involved in that was and is exhausting. it's been a rough time. that's an understatement. But I want to savor breathing again. quiet again.

maybe there is something to this tarot thing.

Pity - Party of One

Pity party of one. Here!

I'm drowning in my own pity at the moment. upset about tiny little things. that i don't have anyone to talk to about. and even if i did talking to people doesn't make me feel better. so i'm just going to drown in my own sorrows, eat some fucking baskin robbins jamoca almond fudge ice cream and try not to cry.

someone special is going to vegas in October and I want to go with them. To spend time with them. To focus on them. To celebrate my divorce being final the week before. But I can't. I can't afford it. I will celebrate soon enough and spend time with this person soon enough but still..... I DONT CARE!

oh grow up. grow up. stop being such a baby. a pathetic baby.

ok i want to spend time with that person but i also want to celebrate the divorce finally being done. it will be finalized on October 8th and I will do nothing. that makes me feel like shit. it just does. it's like you hear the stories of what people do to celebrate - a tattoo, a diamond necklace, a weekend away, a night drinking and celebrating being single again. something. i sit here and think of what i'd like to do and i got nothing. it's a letdown.

then i feel the let down of every significant birthday, holiday celebration ,even my freaking wedding was a let down. it's always about someone else. each christmas i would argue with my husband because i wanted to make it special and generous and do silly traditions and such. he did not. all it made me feel was how stupid i am for wanting this day to be any different than any other day.

i punish myself for wanting to celebrate. i criticize myself for wanting to be joyful or even somber. for being foolish. i don't give myself permission, not one ounce of permission. the inner critic is more powerful than anything i could imagine.

so i will just feel sorry for myself. my pity party. and for the record i want a huge ass bag of peanuts and a pepsi desperately right now.